Forgive thy self.

Accepting the grace that was already given in spite of your past mistakes.

What happens when a decision you made, caused you to lose trust in yourself? When you’ve allowed the grief you’ve experienced from past decisions to stop you from making choices that could propel you forward in your walk with Christ and your relationship with others. There is a level of intentionality that forgiveness calls for us to carry out. It causes us to pause and reflect on the situation, to release the hardness of the heart and understand the affects it’s having, not just on you but the other person as well. Throughout my walk, I’ve heard countless sermons preached on the topic of forgiveness. How we should forgive others so we may be forgiven but forgiveness of others is hard work. It takes work to let go of the anger, disappointment, and hurt caused by another persons actions. To reopen and attempt to heal old wounds that are hindering our growth while simultaneously chipping away at our souls. It’s no small battle, and while there is freedom and reconciliation on the other side of forgiveness. I can’t help but think about what forgiveness looks likes when you’re the cause of your own grief.

I find that the wounds created by other people are easier to patch up than the self inflicted ones. When you scrape your skin you might experience some bleeding and short term pain, but after a while you wipe the blood off, put on some ointment, a bandage and you’re good to go. However the internal wounds? The ones hidden from the naked eye; like cancer or the internal bleeding in a vital organ, those wounds are much harder to detect. They require more intentional care in order to correct the wrong happening on the inside. If someone hurts me, I can choose to think outside myself. To be empathetic to their situation, be considerate of their background and understand that many things could’ve resulted in that betrayal. But if I hurt me, I am less likely to extend myself the same grace and forgiveness i’d give to others.There is a notion that I know me better than anyone. After all, i’ve been living with myself all my life—i’d like to think I know myself the best. But I noticed that, that way of thinking has made it difficult for me to let go of past decisions that have caused me more heartache than joy. The distress you experience, believing that you know better, should’ve done better but didn’t is all encompassing.

It is a haunting feeling to have to make a decision and yet simultaneously have a previous mistake hover over your head like a cloud. And i’m not talking about deciding between a steak or chicken bowl from chipotle or whether you should work out or give yourself a rest day. I’m talking about decisions that will alter you in ways you couldn’t imagine, decisions that are high risk but equally high reward. Decisions that not only affect you but the generations after you. How can you confidently make those types of decisions when you’ve gotten it wrong before. When the trust you had in yourself is gone. Prolonging the answer to certain decisions because you’re constantly second guessing yourself. I’ve come to realize that yes “I know me better than anyone,” at the surface is true, but on a deeper level that’s simply not the case. There is only one being that knows me better than myself and that is HE who knitted me together in my mothers womb. (Psalms 139:13) He who knows everything about me, who knows my thoughts, knows what i’m going to say before I even say it. (Psalms 139:1-4) The psalmist David wrote how that knowledge of God is too wonderful for him and too great to understand and I couldn’t agree more. How wonderful it is to know that there is someone who knows us better than ourselves. That even when our experiences cause us to distrust ourselves, we can still trust the one that created us, that thought of us even before we were in our mothers womb. To not only lead us but guide us in our decision making. Previously i’d go to God with my mind already made up and get confused why the decision I made, even though I prayed about it, ended up in a disaster. (Dramatic but real) Through the reading of Davids story I learned the importance of seeking Gods guidance BEFORE i’ve made a decision. After all, how can God give me instructions on what choice to make when i’ve already made up my mind? That’s like going to a friend for advice even though you’ve already decided on what you wanted to do. Did you really want their advice or did you just want to be affirmed in your decision?—for me it was the latter. There is no room for Gods correction and redirection when your eyes are already fixated on your desired outcome and not His will. Let thy will be done, not our will. When we start to go to God before making a decision we put our trust in Him and not ourselves.

Throughout my walk I learned that forgiving yourself is less about trying to figure out why you made that decision and more about accepting the grace God has given us. It’s instinct to want to punish ourselves for doing something we shouldn’t have done but is that really what God wants us to do? To keep ourselves in cages that withhold us from accepting the mercy and forgiveness He’s given to us freely. Why torment ourselves with the decisions of the past when we can focus on making better decisions for the future. This time not by ourselves but with God. David always sought the Lord before making a decision, like him we can do the same. Seeking the Lord for His input first can help us make better decisions and shift our mindset from trusting ourselves to trusting Him.

**

Have you ever struggled with forgiving yourself ? How did you overcome it? would love to hear your thoughts! Thanks sm for reading I pray this meets you where you are. Also! Incase you missed the post, I will be switching to a new schedule starting next month. Every 1st and 3rd Sunday of the month. Until next time.

~BecomingHisDaughter